My Struggle...

I never used to be this way, but sometime between my sophomore and junior year of college, I began having the desire to be independent. 

Being dependent on someone or something makes you vulnerable to that person or thing. I do not enjoy being vulnerable to anybody. I began searching for who I really was and I found myself becoming quite independent...Just what I wanted.

I began realizing something about myself. I do not enjoy the unknown, the unseen or the uncertain. If I were to take one of those personality tests that liken you to an animal, I would be a beaver; the one who follows instructions and rules. If it is all written out for me, I am completely happy. Like I mentioned, when I started desiring to be more independent and not relying on others for my own personal happiness, I found a problem.

Lately, I have given some thought to this matter. I once heard a Pastor preach a sermon, and in it (speaking of trusting in God) he said "When you come to the end of your rope, reach for the hem of His garment." 

I thought that was great, memorized it, wrote it down...and then it popped into my mind a few weeks ago and I couldn't stop thinking of it. I realized that while it may be great for some people, that concept would never work for me.  I have a desire to be independent, I enjoy challenging myself, and I hate feeling vulnerable. If I were to wait until I came to the end of my rope, who knows how long I would hold out before turning my faith and trust over to God?!

In Proverbs 3:5, I am commanded to trust in the LORD, and not to my own understanding.

In Jeremiah 17:5, the Bible says that the man who trusts in himself is cursed.

In the area of trust, it is better that I simply let go of the proverbial "rope", than to wait until I feel like I have come to the end of it. Knowing myself, I would never come to the end. 

This is an area of life I have realized that I need to work on. Even though I CAN take care of myself, and I can pay my bills by myself and things like that, I must never ever get to the point where I feel like I can make it completely "on my own" without God.
My struggle? It isn't wrong to be responsible and be independent or to live alone without help. But it becomes wrong for ME when I hold onto that proverbial rope and rely on my own strength rather than reaching for the hem of God's garment, knowing that I can't make it on my own. 

Just something I have pondered lately...